aIn't No GaY bErT

2011-05-11T00:57:00.001+08:00

Let it go. Just let it go. It aint worth to hold on.

2011-02-04T20:10:00.002+08:00

Sometimes I really wonder if I'm really my father's son. He never knows what I am thinking. He dorsnt even understand what I really want.

2011-01-14T00:04:00.002+08:00

you know what? I miss holding your hands.
you know what? I miss going over to your place and do nothing.
you know what? I miss taking the bus with you.
you know what? I miss talking to you about everything.
you know what? I miss touching your lips with mine.
most of all, i miss you.

2011-01-13T11:18:00.002+08:00

I'm tired. I'm more mentally tired than physically. There's so many things on my mind that I just wish that I could just shoot myself.
There's so many things I need to think about. I've got no goals in life, no ambition. I'm fucking up my life. I try so hard to be someone that I'm not and in turn, drain myself of all the energy pretending. You know what I really am? I'm a nobody. Wanna know my true self? An introvert.

I'm living in my own world. Nobody's ever came in. It's just like a store that has no presence amongst the others. Its there but nobody knows it.

2010-12-28T10:02:00.002+08:00

All of a sudden, I just feel like a crap. Dont ask me why cause I've never thought about the cause.

Things just seem to get harder and harder everytime, it's as though the world is condemning my actions.

Sidetrack. I'm a possessive fellow, this I dont deny. It gets even worse when the subject is not even in my possession. I still take it as though it's mine. Being such an ass, it's natural to be disappointed so easily that it really makes me think twice about doing the things that I am doing. I'm a pessimistic person too and that doesn't help very much.

All j want to say is that I'm in a circle of pain and confusion. It's been 2 mths since I gave myself that testing period. Believe it or not, the feeling's still there. It's on a whole new level.

Here's the confusing part, should I give up, cause there's so many factors goin against me and one major obstacle is the past coming back to rejoin her life. I really don't know what to do. Everyday I wake up and ask myself if I should give up or not. It's tiring me out.

If that path is the way u wan to go, I wish you all the best. But just to let you know, I'll be sticking around of you need me.

2010-11-13T15:01:00.000+08:00

I want to drive. But i want to drive to places where i want to go, not places where i'm supposed to go. I'm 19. What do all 19 yr olds want? A car. But i'm never gonna get it. All i can do is hear bout my friends saying how their father bought a car for them. The next best thing i hear is how their father willingly lends his car to his son. All i can do is see how my father rejects lending the car to me every single time. Do you ever think bout how i actually feel? I'm now know as a guy who has a license but no car, i don't mind. But i'm also known as the guy whose father refuses to lend his car to his son. I never asked for a car. All i asked was to borrow the car when you are not using. Is that really really very difficult to let go? Do you have any idea how sad i am everytime i get rejected? I'm never given a chance. All i hear are excuses not to lend me the car. How would you feel if you're getting rejected in the face with no apparent reasons and to cover up using nothing but lies so bad that even a kid knows its bullshit. It seems that so what if i had a license it has nothing to do with you right? you're actually wrong. It has everything to do with you. From the point you said it'll be paid by you, it had everything to do with you. In the end i paid everything with my sweat, hardwork. So how is it that you have the right to not lend me the car?

2010-10-31T23:21:00.002+08:00

I'm back. And this time, i'm contemplating on seriously closing down this blog. I also dun blog that often ald. and even if i do. i dun really see anyone readin it. Plus that stupiak tagboard is so freaking pathetic. haha.

Neeways. The last time i blogged was in June. that's like 4 mths hiatus. haha. Who cares anyway? :) Been to India in the past month. Fantastic trip, awesome food, best of all, the people i went with. While in india, 14 days, 3 meals a day, not a single day without curry. I'm quite astonished that i could tahan the food there. haha. Paint school, though i admit i didnt paint much. But what the heck. The trip was awesome. Pictures came in like nobody's business, i bet i got about a 1000 tags in photos.

The life there was so slow paced that it just seems so unreal. So relaxed. The first time i feel so comfortable in another country where i was deprived of modern technology. But i'm glad i survive.

Now new sem. I think it sucks ttm. I dun wish to explain why. haha.

And i think from now on, all my posts are gonna be like taht. short short de. haha.

Its pain inside of me. Do you know?

2010-06-18T00:08:00.003+08:00

Sometimes, i really envy those who are rich, those that can afford more then one apartment, those can afford more then one car. But i'm really not complaining. I just, envy them.

2010-06-16T00:09:00.002+08:00

Holidays are here. So damn boring. haha. Got nothing to do except watch movies all day. Nobody ask me out, i don't ask anybody out. haha. Oh well...

School's been pretty harsh with the CTs, and the projects. I could say I'm surviving. Barely. But hanging out with a bunch of childish ppl makes it alright. haha. Not that i'm not childish myself... ( I bet i'm the worst ) haha. In fact, i think i'm the noisiest in class and i foresee ppl getting pissed. haha. I think i better stop being such an asshole. One day, i'll just shuddup and see. haha. :p

Old man's been pretty fine these weeks, letting me drive. I think its because i said something that strike him. I feel bad about it but its really the truth.

I miss school. 1C02. One heck of a class.

2010-06-05T17:28:00.002+08:00

Is it very unreasonable of me to ask to borrow the car when he isnt using it? Like when I want to church? I mean its ok if he doesnt want to go, and i'm not forcing him to fetch me. But i have a license. Can't he just lend me the car? I just don't understand why he doesn't lend me the car. He's not even using it. I go out and come back and see the car in the same exact spot. He didnt go out. So why cant i borrow the car?

Let's talk about insurance. He tells me his insurance doesn't cover. I did my homework and went on the net to know more about it. Sad to say, whatever he says is bullshit. None of it is true. Insurance do cover driver regardless they are named or un-named. So back to the question, why doesn't he lend me the car? I'm not asking him to buy me a car or let me drive to school or what. All i'm asking is to just lend me the car once in a while when he's not using it.

Yes i know he bought the car, and its his car. But they promised me to pay for my license. And after 2 months, I got my license. All by myself. You can imagine the amount of money used to pay for the license. 1.7k - 2k. That's hell load of money for a teenager like me. If i could have used it in another way, I bet it was far more logical. The fact that i went for driving lessons is because i thought my parents were paying. So now, i have my license, shouldn't they make up to me or something? Like letting me drive once in a while? Lend me the car?

I really don't understand. I look at other cars on the road which has the p-plate, i look into the window and see whose the driver. As i expected, a young adult. and i look at the passenger seat beside, guess what, its the father. Then i look back into the car i'm in. I see the triangle. And i ask myself. Why am i in the backseat? I also got my license, why cant i drive? The feeling of dissatisfaction just engulfs me. I just feel unfair. I work my ass, get the money which is meant for me to do shopping and i use it for the "sponsorship" of the license. I sponsor my own license? Shouldnt it be them sponsoring me? I didnt noe the word sponsor meant that I had to pay myself.

Talk about experience. One very fortunate Sunday, i got a break at it, outside church, coffee shop, just need to drive in. Not much but better then none. I turn out of the carpark and got ready to join the main road. The bus was actually moving quite slow but i wasn't sure if it would accelerate or not. So he asked me to drive off, i jsut listen. Then my mother said, i didnt have the experience, how to lend me the car. In my heart, i was just simply laughing. I didn't have the opportunity to drive alone, so how in the world would i get that experience? Wikipedia states the definition of experience: Experience as a general concept comprises knowledge of or skill in or observation of some thing or some event gained through involvement in or exposure to that thing or event. Gained through involvement. Did i have any involvement of this thing/event. NO.

U know, i envy those who are so rich because their dad actually buys a car for them. A car. I wouldn't say we were poor, but at least we could afford a car. I'm sorry its HIS car.

He drives at least 5 hours a day during the week. So if he would just let me take over on weekends, imagine the amount of rest he could get. But hell no. He's so freakingly stubborn then he clings on to the wheel. U noe that kind of feeling when something better could have been done but the person just doesn't give in? Its just so frustrating.

At the end of the day, I just simply don't know why he doesn't let me drive. And I'm sad. I'm frustrated.

2010-05-28T22:31:00.001+08:00

Whatever i have now in my heart is just all about my fucking stubborn father who doesnt fucking let me drive his fucking stupid car because he is a fucking asshole.

2010-04-09T19:09:00.002+08:00

I got into Ngee Ann. All thanks to Uncle Mike and most importantly, God. He closed the door to courses that he knew wouldn't be good for me and opened doors to courses that he knew would benefit me more. That's how great he is.

God's there when I cry

God's there when I'm happy

God's there when I get my new phone

God's there when I lose my temper

God's there when I feel so lonely

God's there when I feel so helpless

God's there when I find myself lost in trouble

God's there when I get back my lousy results

God's there when I am so elated over driving

But most importantly,

God's always there whenever I need him.

That's how great he is. There's simply no words that I know of that can describe him. He is Love. That's the greatest act I ever known.

2010-04-03T14:55:00.002+08:00

Some people have all the money in the world, some people have the luck. Some people have parents showering them with gifts so exorbitant that it just seems unreal. Some people do what they want, where they want and when they want. Some people just have parents that are able to satisfy their children's wants.

I have parents who can satisfy my wants but they don't and they come up with lousy excuses. Mother says I keep complaining about not driving then God will take it away. But I'm not even using it, how am I going to lose it? I just don't get it. This trial that God have given me to gain patience is getting harder and harder. Each time we go out, I wonder if I'm lucky enough to drive for dinner. It's just a simple request. But each time, i find myself in the backseat. I can't be bothered to ask because I know what is his reply. Some people get a car after they pass, I'm not comparing with them cause I know very well the situation at home. Yes we have a car. But I'm not driving at all. I see triangle plates everywhere and i really envy those that drive. Their parents even allow them to have the car over the weekend, or even drive to school. I'm not asking to drive everyday to school, I'm just asking to drive during Sundays where there are activities after church. Is that really so difficult?

All they tell me is about the insurance thing. Expensive. So if i wait one year means it'll get cheaper? Does it work that way? I don't know and they can't be bothered to explain to me also. I've a car, a license, but I'm not driving. I take the bus, the train. I don't even take the taxis. So tell me, what really is the purpose of me getting my license? To frame it up and look nice? To me, it really looks like it. I haven't touched the wheel in 2 weeks. I'm itching to drive. He knows it but he still doesn't let me drive. Not even with him by my side. I really want to drive without my parents. And the only time i ever did was when they went to Vietnam. I'm so thankful i did cause I'll never experience the joy of driving with them by my side.

2010-04-01T22:50:00.002+08:00

Dear Father,

you've closed the door for me to enter poly through my original application. But Father, though this setback may have hit me hard, I still love you for bringing me through. You open doors nobody can close and close doors nobody can open. I pray you show me your will, show me the path you want me to take. Show it to me so vividly that I will not make a mistake. Father you know how hard this is for me to accept. But father i pray that through my appeals, my work in finding a way to poly that you just bless me Lord. I've seen your word Oh Lord, I've listened. You've forgiven me. I thank you greatly for that.

Father I am weak but you are strong, i will lean not on my own but your strength, from you I will receive power to carry on. Father comfort me, bring your peace in me. Change me from this lesson you're teaching me. I still love you Lord. I love you.

2010-03-30T22:25:00.002+08:00

To God:

Father, I know I'm drifting away from you again. I'm doing things that hurt you so much. I'm sorry. Lord i pray that you just bring me back into your arms, hide me under your wings. You know Oh Lord that I am worried about my results and I pray that you put your peace in my heart. I pray you grant me favor in the choices of my applications and that you bless me. Father I know i have put my selfish desires in front of your will. Father I pray that you push back my desires and hold them there and use me to fulfill your works oh Lord. I want to know you more and more. Father i do this not because I'm coming to you last minute but I see your children leaning so close to you that i just cannot help but feel bad about it. I am a child of God, yet i'm leaning on my own strength. I do not want that. I want to lean on your strength for you are the Lord God Almighty. I've strayed for too long, being me back Oh Lord, lead me back into your presence. Fill me with your motivation, cover me with your grace.

Father I also pray for the things that are bothering me in my heart, Lord you know what they are. I pray you grant me peace. I just want to thank you for bringing me through this week and I pray that you continue to see me through for the rest of my life in your presence. I love you Lord.

Amen.

2010-03-22T17:17:00.002+08:00

In all my 18 years of life, all i ever wanted was to get my driving license and drive. 18 years later, I got my license but I'm not driving. So what's the point of getting my license? For show? I think so. Driving for 2 mins is all i get if i'm lucky on Sun before we come to church. Its all bullshit from my parents. I'm not being unreasonable at all. I'm just stating a fact. I worked for this license which was supposed to be sponsored by parents. I WORKED FOR IT. They paid nothing. They didnt even bother to pick me up after learning. Now that I got it, shouldn't they like repay me or something? Lending me the car once in a while or what? Its not unreasonable right? What insurance bullshit. Can't they just put my name in? Why in the world do i need to wait for one fucking year before they put my name in? So no sense at all. Insurance is obviously expensive, i'm not asking them to pay all anyway... My parents are just screwed up. Always trying to cover with excuses.

I've to control my anger towards this issue. Its difficult but i have to. Its a must.

Father Lord i pray you'll help me. Give me the patience to wait. Open other doors for me. Let me sense your presence with me everyday as i go through this temporal life so full of temptations and sin. Reveal your heart to me, show me your way, teach me how to love, hide me under your wings.

2010-02-24T21:44:00.003+08:00

What do i wanna be? I have no idea. Where do i wanna go? I have no idea.

Just watched Blind Side on the com. Damn good show. Michael Oher. Main character. Not forgetting Sandra Bullock. She never looked this hot. haha.

2010-02-07T18:27:00.002+08:00

What problems am I facing?

What troubles do I have?

Which part of my life isn't great?

I ask myself these questions and I found myself dumbfounded. I have no problems. No troubles. Every part of my life is great. Yet, I'm sitting on my chair, feeling down over nothing. Yes, i've some troubles about my feelings, but in God's eyes, these are nothing. To focus on God is my main priority, yet I cannot even achieve it. I lean on my own strength and do everything based on my own work.

Father Lord you know how to bring me out of this situation. I do not want to rely on my strength but yours. For you are the everlasting God, and from you i get my strength. Take away this negative feelings I have and fall afresh on me. Amen.

2010-02-01T22:13:00.002+08:00

I'm just so drained. More to the physical side.

I'm waking up at 6 every morning, to clean the kitchen, bring the dogs out to do their business, waking the other 2 up, getting the clothes into the washing machine, getting ready for work. And i'm sleeping at 11 - 12. As you all know how lousy I am for being a late sleeper cause i was brought up in an environment whereby I have to sleep at 10. But years down the road, it gradually disappears. But still, I'm not very good at staying up so late and waking up early in the morning. That's why I'm tired. But you know what? Jen said this to me, "...its because we're focusing on everything else but God, leaning on out own strength..." Then it struck me. What she said is true. Leaning on my own strength is never going to be enough. We're just humans. God's creation, we should be depending on God for all the strength that we need. He is what we should focus on. No wonder I'm always so tired.

Anyway. Yesterday was fun. Drove the peeps around. To holland's swensen then to IMM for dinner. Actually, it was my first time driving alone, going onto the highway, going into the carpark, pumping petrol and having quite a number of passengers in my car. Haha. Luckily nothing happened. If not consequences would be dire. haha. More of such opportunities will come by i believe. Yes! They will!

If only you were the one beside me.. I'd feel happier.

2010-01-26T21:40:00.000+08:00

I'm thinking of you everyday. Do you know that?

2010-01-18T22:15:00.002+08:00

I don't know if you know how i feel about you.

The feeling's strong. Very strong.

J.L.H.P

2010-01-08T22:52:00.001+08:00

Nobody knows and nobody will....

2009-12-31T16:17:00.002+08:00

Work has taken over my life. Everyday is just work work and work. I really don't know how long i can hold out. Some might say its the best time to work now because of the festive seasons along with the new year, yet some might say that its the holidays and why in the world are you working? You're missing out all the fun.

My belief now lies in the latter. Everybody's having holidays. Everybody's having fun. I am but the only one working my ass of carrying the luggage of loser indians, who, bring so heavy bags, and, stay for one night. Where's my share of fun? I've totally lost the feeling of being free... Lazing around the whole day, just thinking how to spend my day, joining friends for lunch/dinner. I really forgot how it feels. Then i start seeing the pictures of how everybody is having fun, going out together, it just makes me feel sad. Like I was part of them but i'm drifting out so fast before u could finish the word Mississippi... Sometimes i really wonder, do they still remember me? Do you even know who I am?

My daily routine: Work, Home. No other place. Family, work-mates. That's it. No friends. I'm really starting to think twice about the path I've chosen. Its really not easy, in fact, i would say its extremely difficult. How i long to be in the presence of friends, enjoying the company. I can't. I'm working.

"Hey, movie tomorrow at 6!"

"I'm sorry, working tml"

That's how my replies always are. Either that or I have to sleep early cause I ain't a late sleeper. Its just gnawing at me, making me pessimistic.

But somehow, something just keeps me going. I don't know what, but i just keep working and working. I know its God at work. Let it go, He will make it all come back again. He will put me where he desire and bless me thousand folds from where I am now.

God,

you know how i feel. I feel left out. Yes I'm complaining. But please take this complaints and negative feelings away. I know you'll bring me back one day but in the meantime, please, let me let go. let it go, surrender my whole being to you.

Amen.

2009-12-23T22:05:00.002+08:00

Lord, you've called and I've answered.

Now, I await for your holy intervention to give me the opportunity to do what you want me to do. I'm all ready to do your work. Prepare my heart oh Lord, cast away the uncertainties. Give me courage to take that step of faith, give me wisdom for words to say. I pray that you'll be with me for you never forsake us because you are the Everlasting loving God.

Amen.

2009-12-04T20:28:00.002+08:00

Been a long time since i blogged. How to blog? haha. Nobody reads it anyway. So why bother updating? Cause it's a place where i say what i want.

Work has been pretty easy, no problems at all. Finishing way before time, maybe an hour earlier or so which totally means good news to me, the rest are finishing like 6, 7 plus plus like that. So late! Is it really so difficult to finish cleaning one room? I mean cheat cheat here and there sure can cut time down alot one wat. But the rooms are still clean though! Boss checked my room and its just a few minor problems only leh. like the light bulb fuse i didnt call Order taker. That's a little bit of a small problems only luh.. Havent encounter the angry guests yet, and i hope i do not encounter them. haha.

I'm heading to conceirge in about 2 weeks time. I cant wait. No more beds to do! haha. Awesome! haha. But I'm also afraid to face the angry guests. But oh well, its the experience that counts! Right? haha. And i would consider this a sort of "Promotion" haha.

Joseph Prince has a seminar called "Finding your life partner". Its damn good. haha. Now i dun really worry about finding a partner cause God has it all in store for me! haha. :D

2009-11-24T20:02:00.003+08:00

What the hell is really wrong with me? I really don't know. I keep thinking of negative stuff... It makes me think that my life has no meaning. I duunoe what the hell i'm doing. Its bad. Jen thinks i'm emoing. I believe sub-consciously, i am emoing. Oh well, emoing is good, according to scientific research. It sorts of increase the reaction time and sensitivity to things around.

I cant wait for Friday. My day off, and saturday and sunday. 3 days straight after working for 2 months. My first long weekend. Thinking of going swimming. like twice a week since the pool is like 5 mins walk away... Shall get my trunks soon.

If only you could be like that to me too, pushing me on when i'm down.

2009-11-17T20:43:00.002+08:00

This attachment thing is draining me slowly. But what keeps me going somehow does not seem to come from myself. What i feel is that the Lord is within me, carrying me through the hours at work. Everyday i go to work, i see God's awesomeness. I've never experienced him so much before. Its like he's working IN me. Using my body but through his strength and spirit. Everywhere i go, i sense his presence. For example, like how i find myself in a surrounding so peaceful and loving. The moment i stepped in for work, i look forward to seeing what he has in store for me.

First day of work, I'm attached to an aunty by the name of Annie. End of day, i asked my other friends who they were attached to and how were they. All of them complained. Me? The aunty that mentored me was excellent. Not once did she scold me and not once did she not teach me. It was totally enjoyable working with her, unlike my friends who said their aunties didnt teach them well or scolded them.. See how awesome God is in this situation?

Some weeks later, i sort of got my own "section", the stretch of rooms which i'm supposed to do, located at level 7. Previously, i've worked at other levels and the people there were one for one, all for no one. They were individuals. Bed sheets come everyday and each day i work, i was without bed sheets. The individuals took them all. God laid his hands on the report and sent me up to level 7 where everyday without fail, i would have enough bed sheets. How awesome is that? It doesnt seem like a coincidence to me, more like planned. Aunties on that level would protect my lot of bed sheets so that i would have enough to use and enough items to last me for the amount of rooms i have to clean. God indeed is awesome.

God also placed a supervisor so naggy that she could bring down the whole hotel with her nagging. But the Lord also placed a soft spot in her for me. She took care of me and she taught me things. Like today, while i was finishing up the room, she saw how tired i was and she took away my last room so that i could rest. See how God kept me in his awesome works? Everything is God planned. EVERYTHING.

I have to confess that i dont do quiet time, but somehow, i just feel his works around me. i feel him inside me. God is indeed the almighty Lord of all.

Dear God, your awesome works you have shown have moved me time and time again. Each day i work, i yearn to see your wonders for me. Each day, you carry me when i'm feeling weak, u lift me up when i'm down. U paved the way for me so that nothing would hurt me, you kept me in your bubble of protection so strong that nothing seems to bring me down. You watch me with your grace and mercy such that i feel you by my side. I love you Father. I really do. I've felt your works and i pray that you'll continue to bring me through this difficult period of time.

2009-11-15T23:00:00.001+08:00

I'M SO TIRED!

No fun at all, working.

2009-10-27T21:25:00.003+08:00

I just read finish a book by Low Kay Hwa, "I believe you". Very good story line. I think it really is a tear jerker. Its about a thing called Love. haha. Doesnt seem like i would read this kinda book right? haha. But the book is really good. i'm going to start on another one called "To forget you". I think it's going to be a good book also. haha.

Love is really something that builds you up and at the same time being able to destroy within a second. Its really scary. I dun think its my turn to love yet that's why i'm still un-attached. But I still feel jealous seeing couples on the trains or buses.. =_= !~@#$%^& haha. If only i could have one. One to talk with about anything under the sun and to be able to really share what we feel. Sigh... Its just not my turn yet. haha. Oh well...

Work. Work has been kinda awesome for the pass 3 weeks? haha. Everything going on smoothly. Going to clean rooms on MY OWN starting from tomorrow and its on the 6th floor which i have no clue of who is there. if only i was on 7th. Then i would have Auntie Annie. :D

Alright. I'm gonna end here. Nobody reads anyway. And that's kinda good i guess...

2009-10-21T17:38:00.002+08:00

I'm so so so so so tired. WHen people are 18 years old, they are having fun in school and enjoying life, yet now, i'm working my ass off just to gain experience...

I'm really tired. If only there was someone that would be there everyday, waiting for me to end my work and spend the next few hours with me... I'm travelling to work alone. Walking home alone. Where is that someone special God has in store for me? Its not a bad time to show me who it is now....

2009-10-18T22:42:00.002+08:00

Friends my ass. Maybe u two have already done it. Who knows? Ur words are of no value to me. Just wanna stay as friends? U can kiss my ass.

2009-10-07T23:05:00.002+08:00

Things are going alright for me right now. Nothing is really bothering me. Except for some random thoughts of someone... Its really random about her. I just dunnoe why but i just randomly think about her. I dun think its a bad thing and neither do i think its a good thing. Its just too random for me. I just dunnoe what to do with that thought.

I'm currently at Yamzy's house tonning. I'm waiting for the wrestling to end and then spam the Xbox... During the holidays i say want to come but then didnt come. Now at the end of the holiday then come. haha. but better then nothing luh, can get to spam 2k9.

Is love something that is found or something that is earned? I just dont know. Some ppl dun have to do much to see the effects of love but some try so hard but just dont get to see love. What about me? Do i spend alot of time on this particular section of my life? I do not know. But i really do want to overwhelmed by it. Some ppl just would trade the world for that little part of life but i just dun not get that privilege... I would love to have someone to really take care of me you know? Just like a little boy that needs love. it doesnt really mean that being the guy, i have to do all the loving stuff... it could be the other way round too... SOme one that makes the effort to do little things would just sweep me off my feet. U might think its nothing but i really think its these little efforts that make a relationship successful.

I have no idea what to type already.. I'll just end of with a prayer...

Dear God, you know how i feel.. I know its a small small problem and u've already solved it long before it came, I jsut wanna ask that u take away the pain i feel. I also wanna pray that you be by my side the next monday as a set foot in new environment and start working as an adult. I pray for a learning heart as i try to absorb as many things as i can when i work and i pray for your blessings to do well in it... I pray that you draw me closer to you then before even though i might not go to church for the next 6 months or so. So Father Lord i pray that u hold me close to you and be with me throughout.

Amen.

2009-09-26T12:18:00.002+08:00

Makan session with Caleb, Jem, Daryl and Darryl yesterday at ABC market. Was looking forward to the western food but then the stall closed already. Saded. :( Well, had pork ribs noodle, not very good but still edible. Ordered the stingray and it was a total fluke. Waste money. =_=

Before meeting them, went with Darrly to Topshop City Hall to get his jeans then look around at the F1 fever. Really alot of ppl. Doesnt seem to be that crowded on National Day. =_= haha. Anyway, the crowds were only on the outside. Inside got nothing one. not alot of ppl went to shop there luh. Wanted to go for a starbucks budden lookingat the crowd and thinking of the price made me change my mind. haha.

After that then went home. Life on the weekdays are so boring man. I got nothing better to do then just to play xbox and play the computer. damn sucky.

2009-09-24T19:05:00.001+08:00

2009-09-19T18:17:00.003+08:00

Life's been pretty mundane and i found out why. Cause i left God out of it.

Anyway, played ball with iggy they all and few more others during this week. Total nonsense performance on the court. haha. But who gives a damn? Then Friday went to play pool with Iggy, Yixuan, Desiree and Mac. After that had Pizza Hut for dinner. I wanted to try out whether the pasta really is very good or wat. But i think its a little bit better then last time luh. Not say very fantastic and not say very bad. Just ok luh. haha.

Dear Lord, you noe how difficult life has been in terms of what i feel. I'm feeling so empty inside and i've come to realize that its because i've left you out of my life. So dear Jesus, I pray that you'll come back into my life, transform me into one that seeks after you and walks by your ways. This earthly reality takes so much away from you and I, but utimately, you;re still the creator of this earth. So father Lord, i pray, you'll change my life and let your light shine through me.

Amen.

2009-09-14T15:59:00.003+08:00

All i ever wanted was to love you. But u didnt give me the chance. Thank God you invited me to the birthday chalet. It really was the turning point.

Now, its so relaxing not to worry about anything or anyone, though worrying about you would be nice, i told myself i wouldnt care anything about you. Looking at how you treat that shit face, it really disgust me, you're worst then a player. you're a ****.

2009-09-07T09:02:00.001+08:00

You lost faith in love because you didn't give love a chance to show you the wonderful things it could do.

2009-09-06T19:47:00.003+08:00

I think i'm going to get my ass pwned whne i start work. =_=" I think i'm going to die.

I'm gonna start learning to drive soon.

2009-09-04T08:33:00.002+08:00

You seem so much happier these days. That's a good sign. But i'm sorry to say i'm still living in denial over what happened. I know i've let go but tons of emotions flood me everyday because there's still you inside of me. Its like having your loved ones disappear for no apparent reasons. This was one relationship that i took too seriously. How naive of me. I've been taking long bus rides the past few days, and it certainly didnt help when my ipod plays the song you introduced to me. Every single thing appears whenever i close my eyes. And each time i see ur profile on facebook, i cant help but think i lost you to that guy. Its a gut feeling.. a feeling that i'm just another good samaritan in your life that helps you at your deepest moments and then vanishes. The only consolation i have is that i was able to be with you at your darkest nights. Somehow, i so wished for you to be right here with me, this very moment. But the day will never arrived because you've moved on at a speed so frightening that it scares me. I'm still stuck at the point where you left me. I'm lost. I've no idea where to go, how to go.

Thank you for the dates,

Thank you for the kisses,

Thank you for the Hugs,

Thank you for the dinners at your house.

Thank you for appearing in my life.

I love you.

2009-09-03T17:44:00.000+08:00

The only depressing thing about it was,

Not having you to share the joy with.

2009-09-02T15:53:00.003+08:00

The first thing i thought about when i woke up was you. But you will never be back by my side.

Went for the interview at Orchard. Pass by Botanic and i remembered the time we went to botanic. Now, if i went to botanic, it would just be me alone. I'll go everywhere alone. No one by my side.

After the interview, i walked down the street, i saw couples holding hands. Then i thought of her again, i held her hand as we squeezed through city link. I'll walk everywhere alone now, everywhere. No one to watch movies with, no one to spend time with. Its just me alone in my bubble. Rebuilding this bubble of mine seems so difficult to do alone. And i'm tired. Really tired.

On a lighter note, a freaking venti from starbucks took away all my pocket money for the week... =_=.

2009-09-01T19:49:00.003+08:00

I dun wanna hurt myself over you anymore.

I cant take the pain.

Its too deep.

I'll remember you,

I'll remember how i hugged you,

How i kissed you,

I'll remember you.

Thanks for the pain and tears you've given me.

I had enough.

I love you. Ang Shuman.

2009-08-31T12:28:00.002+08:00

I couldnt sleep the entire night cause i was thinking about the situation now... I really dont know what I'm going to do. What keeps appearing in my head is u and that guy. I can literally see the both of you right in front of my eyes every time i close my eyes. It hurts. U told me nothing and proved nothing, i'm left right in the middle of nowhere thinking what happened. Putting it into another context, i didnt even noe what killed me. U told me u were friends... It really is hard to believe that nothing was going on between the both of you. It really is hard but i'm trying to. I don't know if you're speaking the truth anymore, from what i've seen, it really is hard to believe. I know i shouldnt doubt u but please look from my point of view. Yes i may walk away, but the reason? I don't wanna see u with another guy being so close. Especially one who likes you. I believe its the same way for you. Maybe u'll say no or reject the notion but its true. Who would want to see the one u like being so close to another person who also likes them? Its hard. Its heart-breaking. Dating was supposed to happen between 2 people who had good feelings about each other and want to learn more about each other. It happened between us and it came from you. There was something going on. To see you with another guy when something was going on between the both of us really bursts the wonderful bubble i had. I hope you understand my point. I do love you and i dun wanna lose you cause you told me u wont leave me, and,

I Believe.

2009-08-31T00:05:00.002+08:00

I went way too far. But i didnt mean it. It was done in a moment of anger. Irrational thinking. How could i ever do that? I really didnt mean it. But i just dont know what you were thinking. I have no idea what you were feeling. u didnt tell me anything, didnt show me anything, u just left me there. I'm noe i'm in the wrong but if i had not reacted like that. It meant that i wasnt true to u... It showed how much u meant to me. Way too much to have made me reacted like that. I'm sorry. I shouldnt have said all that.

Today i spent the entire day thinking about it and it really hurt me alot. I knew i was in the wrong and i would do anything to make it up to you. I'm really sorry. really am. Losing you would be so hard for me... But i really don't know how u are feeling right now? Just liek the chalet, u didnt tell me anything, and u showed me nothing. What i inferred was that u liked him. That's why i was never around when the both of you were together. I ddint want to stay and see the pain slowly crawling in. And i hid at the corner while watching one of the guys preparing candles to surprise. That was the last straw i could take. I really didnt know what to do. even if i wasnt around, you didnt bother too and that added to the pain.

I'm sorry. I really am..

2009-08-30T15:12:00.001+08:00

I went too far.

2009-08-27T23:08:00.003+08:00

I'm telling myself things are going to get better...

I'm alright. I'll wait for you.

2009-08-19T21:13:00.002+08:00

Napha is over! haha. Quite lame but its cool cause we're off by 10... so early luh... Best. haha. After the 2.4 i felt super giddy luh... dunnoe why. Maybe because like David sae, too long nvr run then strain myself. haha. I walk then sit, walk then sit. haha. Thanks guys for helping me. :) i dun think they'll ever see it anyway... haha. Oh well.. During the run, the start was ok, it was until the returning part where the sun was literally in my face.haha. How to run like that? haha. But continued luh... I came in 14th. But i dunnoe my timing. Shit. haha. Like that how i know i pass or not? haha. Today, came home, did a little bit of housework, sit in front of the com, do nothing, wait for her reply.... wa... scared the shit out of me when she said she going home thenm 3 hours later cannot be contacted.. thought something happen to her. Nothing happened to her. :) She was at the library. haha.

To you: I'm not angry at you for lying to me. I know u have ur reasons and i definitely noe this is a stressful period of time for you. I;m sorry for not being understanding and keep on bothering you.. Next time just tell me what u going to do and i'll leave it there k? The whole world can lie the shit out of me but not u alright? I love you..

2009-08-18T18:21:00.003+08:00

Tmr got Napha... Sure fail. =_= so fat already still not exercising. haha. :p Nvm luh. just go and do what i can. haha. School's pretty boring, all into the revision period like that. I think its going to be super uber boring. My psp charger is spoilt thanks to Gogo. haha. He bite it until the wires broke. haha. Life's been pretty ordinary...

This whole week she's having exams... =_= exams = study = no time = no time for me = lonely me. :( super duper saded. But studies more important mah... cannot help it. After the holidays luh! haha. :) Study hard girl! :) I miss you like truckloads...

2009-08-16T16:54:00.002+08:00

Yo people. I'm blogging from my cousin's car... haha. Cool eh? I think so too. haha.

2009-08-14T22:41:00.003+08:00

Some thing's just got to wait...

Finally finish the ECM project. Doing on a birthday party. Purpose of it is to experience handling an event which we might me doing when we go into the industry. I think its no fun at all... Whatever the case, it was still an experience.

On the day of the event, went for BTT test. I entered the test room, 3 ang mohs within sight. One left 20 mins into the paper, one 10 mins, and the other 30 mins. they all have one thing in common, they fail. haha. I see already lagi stress... haha. I double check twice somemore, clicked the "End Test" button and waited for the results. Guess what? I saw a big green "FAILED". haha. At first i was like shocked cause i thought the questions were quite easy. But on second thought, i didnt really study it well so i laughed at myself and walked out of the room. haha. Anyway, booked another date for it, on the 3rd of Sept. Like so long luh... Sm was the first to know and she was like, "huh? bluff." HAHA. She didnt believe me lor... so sad. haha.[ Eh Sm, i noe ur reading, rmb the date for me ah! :) ] Then went i got back home, i told my mother i failed, she was like "neh, tell you liao. Sure fail. Never see you study how to pass? Everyday go out with girlfriend, no need to study. Think you not interested de la." haha. Make me laugh la. haha. But it is true la. I guess i didnt study hard enough. haha. What zig-zag line la all those i didnt memorize. haha. Nvm luh. I'm sure to pass the next time round cause i'll be memorizing everything. (i dont think i can...) haha.

Haha. Like i mentioned, going out almost everyday. haha. though i don' think i did. It was great. :) i get to see Sm. :) Lucky i got bus-pass. haha. If not sure need top up every week. :) If i go out with her everyday, the bus-pass sure value for money. haha. :p Think about money only. :PP. No lor. I think of her more then money lor. haha. :D:D:D

On a more serious note, I've missed church for like 3 weeks? Darn long already. And i totally miss it luh.. :( Its the company and the things i learn that makes it enjoyable. Actually, I'm real scared that I wont have a hotel to do IA in... My resume is far from impressive with little work experience. How am i going to attract anybody's attention? Darn. I think i got to send more out to maybe all the hotels in Singapore and hopefully one that is not bad will pick me for IA.

Alright, that's all i got to sae, I'm off to surf the net. Boring.

2009-08-13T21:31:00.002+08:00

I cant believe what i just saw. I never thought u would doubt me to such an extent. What u just said just tore me apart. Out of the hundreds I chose you. You. Not any one but you. What you just said really hurt me, it shows how much you doubt me. Way too much. I just cant believe what you said.

2009-08-10T22:29:00.002+08:00

Today went to study with Shuman, Iggy and Yixuan. When I look at them study, asking each other for help, i suddenly feel so stupid. Like we're from different worlds. I just cannot help it but feel like an idiot. And then, I suddenly felt regrets surfacing. The chance to skip ITE and really study for O's, or to retain in Dunearn and go for another try just keeps popping in my head. Just look at Shuman and Iggy, they took just one more year and their doing well in Poly, what the shit am i doing in ITE? I shouldve took the extra year, maybe it would've been much better for me rather then taking the 4 yrs and land my sorry ass in ITE. Somehow, i really regret. Yet i can do nothing about it except for study harder and move my ass to Poly. Now i really feel like an idiot.

2009-08-09T22:29:00.002+08:00

Just saw a random advert on the way back. It says, "What am I to you?"

Somehow, this question got stuck in my head for quick a while and i sent it to someone. haha. Shocked was the reaction i most probably got. haha. But its ok. Understandable. :)

Anyway. I'm going to have my btt on wed and i havent even studied yet... arrgh.. haha. chiong. :D

2009-08-06T13:39:00.002+08:00

I'm totally rotting at home man... damn. I'm so freaking bored. Still got one more day to go before the Mc's over. So i'm stuck at home doing nothing. I also cannot go out... =_=" Sian. I lost my mood to blog already. See ya folks.

It Hurts.

2009-08-05T13:53:00.000+08:00

I'm on a week's medical leave... that's freaking bored...

2009-08-03T22:33:00.004+08:00

I'm down with fever and sore throat... This throat of mine is really giving it to me... =_=" It seems as though water doesn't help... Each time i drink water, it hurts more... Shit. I've got 3 days of mc. Initially i thought i would get 5... but the Doc saes 3 is enough.. well. Gotta make do with it, better then nothing i guess. :p However, i cant go out and that obviously sucks. Cause i cant meet her... =_= and i think its going to be super bored to stay home for 3 days... no fun at all... Anyway, i'll be sleeping the entire day.

Went to work on Saturday. Something like a banquet job. It was the opening of a new ship. Cant remember the name but i know it was in malay. Worked with Shuman, Iggy, Yixuan, Jiesheng and Mclyene. New friends. haha. :) hope they didnt find me dao cause i really thought i was... But whatever the case. it was fun. Pay not very high but at least got some money to keep. :) i'm thinking of buying a new shoe already. haha. But have no idea what shoe to buy... Maybe I'll go shopping instead of shoes... :)

I love you Sm. :D Thank you for everything. :)

2009-07-29T09:03:00.002+08:00

Its been some time since i last blogged eh? haha. Well, trying to post something here cause SOMEONE asked me to, although there's like nobody reading this lousy piece of crap except for that sweet lil baller of mine. haha.

School's been pretty nonsense.. Nothing much so far... Just finish PIC test and i totally didnt study for it. haha. But i'm hopeful that i'll pass, since i'm Bert. haha. :p bhb. Went to watch a few of me babe's competition. Playing quite well i believe, just a little unsure of what to do cause she's in a position she's not comfortable i guess. haha. Lousy coaches. Who saes tall ppl MUST be in the centre position? haha. Shawn Marion could play in the PF without trouble... haha. :p Anyway, spent quite alot of time with her and I'm totally loving it. haha. :) Sad thing is, we have no where to go. haha. Caught quite a few movies with her, some impromptu meet-ups that's all, no where to hang around. haha. :p Its just nice being with her.

Its been a while since she last cried and called me and i'm thankful for that. Seems like she coming up really well. :) Its great to see her all smiley again. until here, i really dunnoe what to type anymore. Maybe i should just close down this blog. haha. :p Anyway. I think i'm done. haha. Maybe i'll update in another 2 months.. :D till the next time, take care peeps. :D

I love You :D

2009-07-15T21:57:00.002+08:00

I'm still standing by the side... There's no room for me.

I'm waiting. Waiting till the day comes,

when ur heart is free.

Each little sentence,

Each little action,

Brings pain to me in all sorts of ways.

Yet, I'm still standing there,

Waiting for you to invite me in.

2009-07-14T16:59:00.001+08:00

Holding on to the shimmer of light that u gave me..

2009-07-12T18:49:00.001+08:00

It hurts me so much to see u push me away...

2009-07-11T10:50:00.001+08:00

I'm finding this darn true...

From a guys point of view:

We don't care if you talk to other guys.
We don't care if you're friends with other guys.
But when you're sitting next to us, and some random guy walks into the room
and you jump up and tackle him without even introducing us, yeah, it pisses us off.
It doesn't help if you sit there and talk to him for ten minutes without even acknowledging the fact that we're still there.

We don't care if a guy calls you, but at 2 in the morning we do get a little concerned.
Nothing is that important at 2 a.m. that it can't wait till he morning.

Also, when we tell you you're pretty/beautiful/gorgeous/cute/ stunning, we freaking mean it.
Don't tell us we're wrong.We'll stop trying to convince you.

The sexiest thing about a girl is confidence.

Yeah, you can quote me.

Don't be mad when we hold the door open.

Take Advantage of the mood im in.

LET US PAY FOR YOU! DON'T 'FEEL BAD'
We enjoy doing it.
It's expected.
Smile and say 'thank you.'

Kiss us when no one's watching.
If you kiss us when you know somebody's looking, we'll be more impressed.

You don't have to get dressed up for us.
If we're going out with you in the first place, you don't have to feel the
need to wear the shortest skirt you have or put on every kind of makeup you own.
We like you for WHO you are and not WHAT you are.
Honestly, i think a girl looks more beautiful when she's just in her pj's.
Or my t-shirt and boxers, not all dolled up.

Don't take everything we say seriously.
Sarcasm is a beautiful thing.
See the beauty in it.
Don't get angry easily.

Stop using magazines/media as your bible.
Don't talk about how hott Morris Chesnutt, Brad Pitt, or Jesse McCartney is in front of us.
It's boring, and we don't care.
You have girlfriends for that.

Whatever happened to the word 'handsome'/'beautiful'.
I'd be utterly stunned by a girl who greeted me with 'Hey handsome!' instead of 'Hey baby/ stud/ cutie/ sexy' or whatever else you can think of.
On the other hand im not sayin i wouldn't like it either.

Girls: I cannot stress this enough: IF YOU AREN'T BEING TREATED RIGHT BY A GUY, DON'T WAIT FOR HIM TO CHANGE.> DITCH HIS SORRY DISGRACE-TO-THE-MALE-POPULATION ASS, AND FIND SOMEONE WHO WILL TREAT YOU WITH UTTER RESPECT
Someone who will honor your morals.
Someone who will make you smile when you're at your lowest.
Someone who will care for you even when you make mistakes.
Someone who will love you, no matter how bad you make them feel.
Someone who will stop what theyre doing just to look you in the eyes....and say 'i love you' ..........AND ACTUALLY MEAN IT!

2009-07-09T20:25:00.002+08:00

I'm tired... Every word that u've put, i've seen. It hurts me to see that what I've done still can't help u... Everything you wrote down makes me feel as though i've did nothing and all that I'm doing is coming to naught...

The past is still within u, i can feel it. And u're not about to let go. Maybe, its time i see the big picture and let you go... Every word u said, every action portrayed, its all in my mind. Time and time again, i try not to think about the negatives, yet, a picture of you turning away from me and walking towards somebody seems to haunt my thoughts. I'm so afraid of letting you go. If i let you go, i will never noe how my life would be, holding you close to me.

Yet, my heart presses me on to continue fighting. Fighting to erase that hurt of yours. I may not know what you're thinking, but i'll try my best. I want to be the one u think of when u're sad, when u're happy, when u're angry, when u're demoralized, when u've got nothing to keep u going on... I wanna be the one, the one that holds u up.

I love You.

2009-07-07T22:12:00.001+08:00

When you have to look away
When you dont have much to say
Thats when I love you
I love you, just that way
To hear you stumble when you speak
Or see you walk with two left feet
Thats when I love you
I love you, endlessly
And when your mad cuz you lost a game
Forget Im waiting in the rain
Baby i love you,
I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
WhenI love you no matter what
So when you turn to hide your eyes
Cause the movie it made you cry
Thats when I love you
I love you a little more each time
And when you cant quite match your clothes
Or when you laugh at your own jokes
Thats when I love you
I love you, more than youll know
And when you forget that we had a date
Or that look that you get when you show up late
Baby I love you, I love you anyway
Heres my promise made tonight
You can count "on" me for life
Thats when i love you
When nothing you do can change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
Thats when I love you
When nothing baby
Nothing you do could change my mind
The more I learn, The more I love
The more my heart cant get enough
Thats when I love you,
When I love you no matter what
No matter what

2009-06-19T22:28:00.002+08:00

Retreat was awesome... though i only went for like 3 days... but it was still good. The people i hung out with were awesome company. haha. :D How i wished i didnt had that stupid chior which took off 2 days from the retreat. :( Ultimately, it was seriously fun. Slept at 6+ this morning and totally missed breakfast. Then wanted to find the guys but couldnt get them so ended up missing the whole church's photoshoot... oh well, cant possibly see everyone's faces so clearly right. haha. Got a lift back home from Yam family. Thanks to them i get to eat great fishball noodles. I totally miss the camp now la.. is this what they call the camp-withdrawal symptoms? haha. I really really miss it. Cant wait for the photos to be uploaded by the Lau sisters.... but they are in KL... =_= haha.

This trip has allowed me to see how blessed i am... from the very beginning when i found i couldnt make it for the first 2 days, I'm able to see how God has created doors for me to be able to come to this retreat... Count my blessings... totally awesome. I'm really thankful to God for this. Really am. I'm thankful to the ppl who helped me made this trip possible too. :D

Dear God, I just wanna thank you for this wonderful trip that u've brought me to. I thank you for opening doors for me to make this trip possible, i thank you for bringing PEK to drive me up, i thank you for Aunty Jane, who arranged the whole thing for me. I thank you for the ppl u placed around me to make this retreat so enjoyable. I thank you for everything that happened on the trip to allow me to see how blessed i am. I also want to thank you for the message though i wasnt here for the first few but it certainly spoke to me about finishing well. Finally, i jsut want to thank you for ur love and grace that u have so lovingly showered upon me.

Amen.

2009-06-14T20:16:00.001+08:00

Introducing, the Lim's latest family member...

GOGO...

(my eyes are open hor.. dun anyhow sae)

2009-06-10T21:21:00.000+08:00

The Man Who Cant Be moved...

"Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move
Got some words on cardboard, got your picture in my hand
saying, "if you see this girl can you tell her where I am"

Some try to hand me money, they don't understand
I'm not broke I'm just a broken hearted man
I know it makes no sense but what else can I do
How can I move on when I'm still in love with you

Cause If one day you wake up and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving

Policeman says, "son you can't stay here"
I said, "there's someone I'm waiting for If it's a day, a month, a year"
Gotta stand my ground even if it rains or snows
If she changes her mind this is the first place she will go

Cause If one day you wake up and find that your missing me
and your heart starts to wonder where on this earth I could be
Thinkin maybe you'll come back here to the place that we'd meet
And you'll see me waiting for you on the corner of the street
So I'm not moving, I'm not moving,
I'm not moving, I'm not moving

People talk about the guy that's waiting on a girl
There are no holes in his shoes but a big hole in his world

Maybe i'll get famous as the man who can't be moved
Maybe you wont mean to but you'll see me on the news
And you'll come running to the corner
cause you'll know it's just for you
Im the man who can't be moved

[Chorus 2x]

Going Back to the corner where I first saw you
Gonna camp in my sleeping bag I'm not gonna move"

2009-06-08T09:12:00.002+08:00

Nothing Much on the weekends... Just went to church for some briefing of event that I am not going... =_=" haha. So just went and joined the crowd. haha. After that, Grandma's house then home. Sunday, church then retreat briefing.. going to Malacca for 3 days... dunnoe if i should bring the camera along or not... sian. haha. Anyway, i'm going up with P.E.K. how cool is that. haha. Shiok only. haha.

I really really miss playing basketball but i cant stand playing alone... Do u have any idea how lonely is that? haha. But there's another problem too, i got no time. =_= stupid school... why cannot cancel this whole week of school since the exams are over? I dun get it. damn. haha. I think go school also got nothing to do lor, go there the teacher see us we see the teacher. Like that waste time only. haha.

Sometimes, i wish i had my license and a car. This way, i can just drive around ALONE. i bet driving alone is so damn cool.

I did something real wrong man... wrong wrong wrong... i shouted at my mum. =_="

2009-06-06T22:43:00.000+08:00

Wrong. One word. Wrong

2009-06-04T22:10:00.001+08:00

Out on the court is where I truly have fun...

2009-06-03T16:25:00.003+08:00

There's something wrong with my lousy Safari Browser and the rest that i have!!! and safari claims to be the best browser. BULLSHIT!

And i cannot tag on my own tagboard and i cannot reply to tags because i've been banned!!! WTF.... =_=" anyway... I reply tags here....

David: I chi kui yi dian la, i love you.

Amy: got ur answer above

2009-06-02T21:58:00.001+08:00

I just wanna love somebody...

2009-05-27T13:31:00.001+08:00

Damn. I'm so freaking bored... =_=

2009-05-26T19:29:00.000+08:00

NO SCHOOL TOMORROW!!! WHOO HOO!!!

sidetrack, Lunch Tml anyone?

2009-05-24T17:58:00.002+08:00

Who will be there if i walked this dark and narrow road?

Motivation?

2009-05-18T09:44:00.002+08:00

On sat, went to church for worship and bible study. We did a topic of "why should we love?"

On side track, we also did some exercise that requires us to think about what motivates us to do some things. Things like "what motivates us to get good grades", "what motivates us to exercise", all these kind of mundane stuff which actually needs motivation for us to do. It seems pretty easy to find the motivation that was needed to do all these but one question totally stumped me. "What motivates you to love?" I couldn't think of anything. What actually motivates you to love? Is it the fact that u will be loved when u love? or is it the relationship u have with that person that motivates u to love? I just couldn't find my own answer. "Love your neighbour as thy self" this is achievable for me. But how bout loving someone from ur own family? Someone that creates trouble every single day, someone who has no respect for none whosoever and just spoils ur day every time u wake up with a notion of a "brand new day"?

I just find it hard to love someone like that and someone especially from ur own family. Never thought of that right? Everyone believes that loving someone in the family is never a problem. But deep down, unconsciously, its hard to love. Its hard to love someone of ur own rather someone that isnt related to u. Why is that? Why is it so hard to love someone of ur own? I believe its the things that they do every single day to spoil ur beautiful morning, the words of disrespect that really makes it harder to love them. take for an example, my brothers. They are the worse ppl i have seen in my life but i love them to a certain extent. They are the ones that make my life miserable at some point of time during the day and they are the ones that make me feel as though i'm living with enemies. However, when all these things go away, when they stop doing all that, its easier to love them. But then, here comes the ironic part, when i start to love them, everything changes... so how am i supposed to love them? Its so damn hard.

Either way, i'm still gonna try and love them because God first loved us, and he gave his greatest love by sending his son down to earth to die for our sins.

2009-05-10T21:05:00.000+08:00

I miss basketball... :( i really miss playing happily without any worries.

Another week has past... its getting harder and harder to think bout what to blog. Nobody reads it anyway so why bother? haha. Played basketball with the PHPPS gang again. haha. This time got chased out of the court because of some event and ended up opposite ant Ngee Ann. The 3 small courts facing the highway. Some bozos came and claimed they booked the court but we just refuse to move. So in the end, we played a match together and after that, we let them use the court. haha. Taking turns la i should sae... haha. They play finish then our turn. We finish, their turn.. They look so old la.. =_= And they suck.

On friday got Choir practice. haha. like the whole class got involved la... H.K, singing like a choir, is that even possible? haha. When u look at the class, it doesnt even look like anybody can sing la... haha. I think the instructor's going to have a hard time conducting the practices. haha.

So basically that's my week. Then weekends, went to church for movie and Bbq. It was fun, playing funny music and trying to get the fire starting all that, everybody just hung around the pit sitting down, talking nonsense and just enjoying the company... so cool. haha. :) totally enjoyed it. :D

Tml school starting already, another weekend passes by within a flash. Hoping to stay out after church next sunday, maybe heading to Chinatown to walk, anybody in? haha. haha.

2009-05-06T20:51:00.002+08:00

Went on a trip to KL over the long holiday.
Didnt get anything on the trip and damn proud of it.
Didnt manage to bring the cam along. (damn,)
Sat by myself on the bus back and totally enjoyed it.
Cant believe i was scared i would get caught for bringing chewing gum over.

Went to Bugis for project stuff.
Took picutures
Finally went to Haji Lane.
Playing Ball with Iggy etc on Thurs.
Still not doing project.
Got a headache.

Everything's in random order...

2009-04-30T20:36:00.001+08:00

what's the point of getting a camera and then not use it?
SHIT!

2009-04-30T17:03:00.002+08:00

sometimes i really wonder how my mother's mind ticks.... She's like a freaking time bomb. She's ot a ultra short fuse which i totally detest. Damn. Happy things can change into bad things within a snap of a finger and its all because of her. How great is that? dumb shit. Why cant she keep her bloody mouth shut when it isnt needed? I really dun get it. i think she's nearing menopause... I really hate this kind of attitude. Just because of one word she can flare up as though i did something wrong like that. i really cannot take it. I think i'm just going to blog it out everytime she pisses me off.

She just scolded me for saying that it would be a waste of money if the camera bought was for display rather then to be used. Well, she's got a million pairs of shoes in the cabinet which takes up half the size of the cabinet and she NEVER wears them. so what has she got to be so angry bout? She herself is wrong. i dun ee any wrong on my part... dumb-ass. Sometimes, i really wish that i could move out and stay on my own. Earn my own cash i also dun mind. I rather work my ass off for my cash then see the stupid stuck-up face of hers. Damn it. I've lost the mood to go on the holiday with her already.

2009-04-29T21:52:00.001+08:00

School is boring. Modules even more boring. Teachers even more super boring. Sigh... dunnoe what is wrong with the ITE education. haha. :p sian... like go school nothing to do lor. haha. anyway... i got my green belt already. Quite happy. haha. Cause i think i dun think i did very well... :P haha.

Today tkwd. I hurt my pinkie. Ouch. haha. Some stupid ppl la, dun understand the meaning of NON-CONTACT sparring... Idiots. My this batch of member ah got this freaking moron that i think he doesnt understand english... real dumbass...

ok. i got nothing more to blog bout. haha. gonna watch tv already. bb. take care folks...

2009-04-23T19:48:00.002+08:00

hey hey... :D i'm still down with flu, haha. but feeling much better. :)

Update on what i've been doing : Went for field trip at Suntec convention, STB, Regent hotel. Supre boring... Like go there learn nothing. haha. Then end so early somemore... Make me waste my energy by carrying my tkwd stuff along... =_=" Then missed school on Tues. Down with flu.. got no mc. No MC = no certified leave. No certified leave = no more 100% attendance... :( Sadddddd...

Actually i really got nothing to blog bout leh... Sian sian sian... I wanna go out... anybody willing to take a bus ride with to me to "i dunoe where" ? :p haha. oh ya, i might not be able to go for the church retreat because of some lousy choir performance... :( although its just one day.. but if nobody wants to help me get there, i can forget about going also... :(

2009-04-20T19:07:00.001+08:00

Crap... I'm down with flu...

Bert + Flu = Bert flu

Some overdue photos...

2009-04-19T20:19:00.010+08:00

my model for the day..

Caught this gal staring at the worksite so i snapped her.. :p

Hot stuff... :p

These 2 looks damn stupid ( especially the gal)

Contruction for IR

Outside Fullerton

2009-04-16T18:45:00.002+08:00

As usual, school ended early today... =_=" Did some lousy assignment in H.I.S module today... learning how to use the ppt? gosh... even my brother noes that... haha. Nonetheless, it was fun cause alot of nonsense was being generated while doing it. Elvin was like going run the whole room answering questions. haha.

Then we fell into a dilemma. haha. Whether got SnW not... Cause nobody contact the teacher and the teacher never said anything... But by right it should be have la... haha. While walking towards the gate, Jena called us back then lucky got SnW. Even though didnt bring attire, we just take height and weight... haha... and i'm overweight... haha.

Anyway, the school time-table allows me to exercise in the morning.. So hopefully i'll be good enough to wake up in the morning and exercise... :p And hopefully i can shed some weight to be acceptable... :D haha. I'm waiting for the weekends so i can plan many many things to do... My com's got blue screen, gotta send it down before the warranty expires, want to go hone my camera skills (since i got nothing to do) and play some ball... so many things i wan to do but didnt do during the holidays... wat an ass. haha. :p

Exactly as i thought ur replies were... Do you really think i had someone in mind? i dont. I just wanted to know how you were and this was the only way i knew how. The fault aint yours. Its mine.

2009-04-15T08:09:00.003+08:00

Damn. half way through the first week of school... So far so slack. Projects coming up, everything seems to be rushing... but no fret. i believe i can do it. haha. :D

School's starting at 11 on Mondays, tuesdays and thursdays... How cool is that? can like use the time to go gym or something... haha. at least wont have to worry bout waking up late... :D I dun think i have any other things to blog bout...

Oh yes! I went photo-taking on Sunday and was honoured to have Shuman as my "model"... haha. the shooting was quite fun considering me, disturbing Shuman non-stop.. HAHA! Quite fun... I was quite satisfied with the results although not many good ones... a stepping stone anyway... haha. :D Alright, that's all i have for now... take care folks!

Even if i got to see u twice a week, I'm satisfied.

2009-04-13T17:22:00.001+08:00

Guess wat? For 2 days in a row, my mother actually screwed up happy times.... =_= damn shit... everything also want to scold... Scold me stupid. If i'm stupid, what is she? Ass.

2009-04-11T21:47:00.001+08:00

I CANT BELIEVE I WAS THAT EMO!

haha. watever... :p Just got back from shopping with Victor... haha. real joker. want to buy things then dun dare ask. haha. Cute ah... haha. :p Tml got baptism. haha. random... :p i got nothing to blog bout actually. haha. Just only one thing. Chalet was fun. :D haha.

Tml going to celebrate Dad's birthday then cannot go out with Shuman they all... :( sorry guys... Will meet up with ur some day! haha. :D Alright, gotta end here... got stomachache... =_=

2009-04-09T20:55:00.002+08:00

Something is terribly wrong and i'm feeling terribly bad... Its a situation where most would take a pick of "each for himself" action... but somehow, i just feel i dun have the ability to do what i could do before... I cannot contain this feeling any longer but i'm suppressing it as much as i can.. But one thing's for sure, i am not liking this feeling...

I'm totally feeling invisible... Nobody gives shit... What am i? who am i? Does anybody even noe me? Does anybody even noe i exist?

Cupid's at it again... please get the hell outta here. i want no more trouble cupid...
should i or should i not? someone tell me...

2009-04-09T19:03:00.002+08:00

Its real hard trying to fit into a well organised social circle.... Its even more difficult to fit into one when your dirty deeds are well known... With that mistake that you make, you somehow find yourself drifting in the middle of nowhere, trying to find a place to dock. It is through this process of being isolated that you find your standing in this place.

The world is supposed to be a place of comfort... But with society constantly evolving, so does man's nature changes... Its hard to imagine how one can instantly fall into depression just through the ways of losing friends... This is the part where most would feel "invisible" It is this "social status" of Invisibility that crumbles even the biggest of ego... It is this status, that brings down a man to his knees, trying to find a way to squirm his way back to life. Even though one would say that he'll do well, it is unlikely that he actually means what he says...

With this low self-esteem, its hard to really get his life back on track... even though his daily routines such as work and stuff will be going on, time will seem to be crawling by as he sees his surrounding being isolated by an invisible force that the outside creates which forbids him to even make a step closer to it... People, things, all seem to clear this very person from their radars, trying to catch a breath of air... This very invisible force causes him to slowly fade away from reality, trying to live in another world of his own...

2009-04-08T00:05:00.002+08:00

I begining to feel all so lonely once again.... It's like being in a place full of people yet they treat u as though u are invicible... The feeling's not nice at all... nothign good comes out from it... I never feel happy that way... I dun think i will ever be for this part of my life. From the many things i did wrong, to the consequences of it, it all adds up to contributing to this lonliness aspect in my life....

I'm trying real hard to enjoy my chalet... Wish me luck. :D

2009-04-05T17:56:00.002+08:00

Yo. the weekends are going to be gone in a few hours... and then tml, got chalet... contemplating on whether to bring my father's cam along.. dun think wil anyway... Sat got jam dinner at Eric's house. Had steamboat... haha. Damn shiok. Great bonding as well.... haha. Anyway... i spammed prawns at last minute and ended up with 25 prawn heads and carcasses beside my plate. HAHA! Cholestrol overload. haha. Hope i wont have any serious sickness or wat.... haha.

Had class outing on last wednesday. went to Seoul garden for lunch and then went to lepak... THe seoul garden was Fan-tabulous. haha. Totally worth the money. one day all the guys should go and eat there. haha. Beef, chicken watever meat u want, there have. haha. And i ate 3 plates full of beef, chicken, etc. haha. Totally owning the meat section. haha. But it was worth it. haha. after that had Taekwondo training so went off earlier. Intended to go back and find them but didnt cause they were leaving soon... haha.

Sunday had grading at Yio chu kang. haha. Lousy place la. so hot... =_= then when the mam and sirs putting us into group, i became the only one... scary leh... budden got another 2 fellas came in late so i wasnt the last. haha. :D Alright, i'm gonna type until here only. I'm going to pack my stuff for tm's chalet... take care Y'all!!! :D

2009-04-02T16:36:00.000+08:00

I LOVE THIS SONG! HAHA!

2009-03-30T11:54:00.002+08:00

Life is Fun.
Fun is life.
My life = No fun = no life.

I suspect i don't have fun in my life. I think 'fun' has taken a holiday. Should be having fun but NOOOOO... cause i got nothing to do. =_=" I need shopping. A day out to shop. But who will go with me? No one. maybe Darly? hope so. Victor can come too. :D Anyways... All my posts for this holidays is so so emo right... haha. Big Loser.

2009-03-28T21:38:00.003+08:00

I TOTALLY DIG MY NEW BAG! HAHA!

2009-03-25T21:34:00.003+08:00

I took this myself... haha. using my father's cam. cool eh?
but it's non-relavant

short post
Taekwondo today
Sparring
Got hit
leg swollen
feel as though wan to drop off
in pain
still in pain
dunnoe what to do
Dunnoe how to deal with the swell...
Tired.
Gonna watch tv

That's all.

2009-03-14T10:09:00.002+08:00

Hello... Its the holidays and i'm already feeling bored. Shit.... Why cant holidays be as exciting as before? haha. Anyway, I've been balling for 2 alternate days with different grps of ppl... Something to take my time off... Better then nothing i guess. haha. It was all fun. haha.

Life's been pretty much the same, rotting at home instead of running which i planned to do... haha. Starts tml anyway... haha. I think i'm really wasting my life la... oh well... I'm oblivious to the fact that the world is moving at such a extreme pace that i cant seem to catch up with society. I'm seriously rotting away... Time and time again i try to wake myself up from my dreamland but time and time again i'm disappointed by my own attitude towards life. I seem to have no motive in life, no goals, no motivation. I wonder how i'm gonna survive if i keep carrying on like that... I see myself as a pathetic human trying to figure out what's in store for me, what's my life about, when others seem to have found their calling at least to something... I can't even think of what to write when i'm typing this now. that's how bad i am. Though with these kinds of thought lingering in my mind every single day, I've never thought of suicide. That's even worse... I'd reckon i'll be too lazy to set up the set for me to commit it. haha. On a brighter note, I'm really thinking through bout my life, what i'm gonna do when i grow up and stuff... haha. There was once when i was eating dinner, i saw this parent shouting at her kid. I was thinking to myself : Better not do that to my kid, talk to him nicely, ask him the problem, show him the correct way to get things done --> This kind of things... Like parenting steps like that... haha. I think it must have been so random. But that's me... Can't change it can i? haha. I needa go out and have a breath of fresh air, but nobody calls me... haha. except that one time where Qh called me and i was out with family. haha. Sian... I don't mind like wandering around alone but i dunnoe where i wan to go... ( that's why its called wandering u dumbo ) but i just need to have a destination and i will take myself from there. haha. Damn... I'm utterly screwed up...

guess i better end that part of the emo emo stuff... haha. I'm gonna think what i'm gonna do tml... Adios Amigos... take care. :D

2009-03-09T19:51:00.004+08:00

yo yo.... first paper over already. haha. soon soon. soon will be holidays. haha. :D happy only. haha. i think the paper was quite easy, a pass is for sure... getting a high grade, i'm not too sure... haha. Tml is Sales and Marketing and i haven't even read through anything since the time i got back. haha. confident sia. :p anyway... i think i'll read a little bit tml morning since dun have to go so early.... AND THAT ELVIN BLUFF ME! Ask me come back make table then he ownself do already. Hai me ask David come to school so early like morons like that... =_= But he compensate me by helping me in my questions just now. :p haha.

After tml will be the 5 weeks of holiday. haha. cannot wait. I cannot find any job leh and i'm too lazy to even step out of the house, dress nicely and find a job. I think i'll just run around playing basketball or something like that. haha. I think i'll do up a timetable for myself... cool ah? haha. :p I got new goals to accomplish. But one thing's for sure. Its not academic. :p haha. alright, i'm heading to find psp games... i'm getting tired of the same games i play everyday. haha. :) Take Care. :)

2009-03-08T20:16:00.002+08:00

Yo! Wat's up ppl ? haha. School's going to be over in another 48++ hours? haha. Can't wait. Basically what i've been doing for the past week is study a little, then chiong abit, and then really in depth studying for the past 2 days. haha.

Anyway, Fri went to Cathay to see if there was a job opening cause Seha and Tika said there was a job opening so Dave, both of them and me went for a try. In the end, dun have. Then went to lepak. =_= wa... i think i go one time next time must think twice befor going. haha. :p Siao one la they all.. donoe how to use the time to study ah? haha. i wasnt any better, following them. haha. :p But still, i must say it was quite fun hanging out with them. Except the part where they smoked like nobody's business... haha. Well, habits aren't that easy to quit so nvm lor. haha.

Then trained back. Saturday went library to study with Jena, Charmaine and Dave. I think i accomplished the most la. Maybe Charmaine too cause she like one side studying very hard. :p Then the other 2 like playing throughout lor. haha. Nvm la, at least i not affected. :p Was quite satisfied with what i've done since i dun really study, like wat Jeremy said bout me, exception when i say i'm studying. haha. I think i'll do relatively well for this exams? Can't be too sure bout it cause i'm supposed to studying now at yet i'm blogging. haha. :p

Oh well, holidays are coming soon!!!! WWWWOOOOOOHHHHHOOOO!!!! haha. :D Alright, i'm off to CS-ing. (I got thrashed by Sean =_=) Take care peeps. :D

2009-03-03T23:06:00.002+08:00

Guess wat? The holidays are coming in less than a week!!! I CAN'T WAIT! haha. I'm so gonna "defrag" my mind... Too much things are going through my mind. haha.

I think my brain just functions differently from others... Others when alone, will sort of thing bout what is going on in their lives and stuff, try to get themselves back on track, you know, this kind of re-wiring things... haha. Somehow, mine jsut doesn't do it. Instead, it keeps me following on tune with the songs that are playing on my ipod. I just don't seem to able to wire myself properly. In my heart, there are like a million things waiting for me to go and put them into place, but my brain, it tells me that there is nothing going wrong. Malfunction? i hope not...

I really do want to wire myself properly but i just can't seem to do that.... I'm jsut living my life day by day, accepting what the Lord brings to me... is there more to life then this?

Side tracking from these emo stuff ( I'm sure i'll be able to solve everything ) , my class is having a chalet on the 6,7,8,9 of April at the Safra Tannah Merah... haha. i'm so gonna go crazy there cause i miss the first one due to my laziness.... haha. :p I'm gonna enjoy it thoroughly... Actually my class is really quite fun.... Makes up for the boring lessons that we have to endure each and every single day. haha. Thank God for ppl like Nani, Ahmad etc who just crap the whole day through... I wouldn't like to be in a class where there's no such thing as fun... haha. :)

I think I'm gonna end here tonight by saying that God really really takes care of me. God never forsakes me. To seek wisdom, i have to seek him first... :D

2009-02-26T15:31:00.001+08:00

AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!
SCHOOL IS SO BORING!!!!

Shit man. school is really crap. I think i hate it.